MuSsBloG.Com ...

ROME, Italy (AP) -- Oscar-winning film producer Carlo Ponti, who risked excommunication to marry Sophia Loren and later fled his native Italy to avoid fraud charges -- has died, his family said Wednesday. He was 94.

Ponti died overnight at a Geneva hospital, his family said. He had been hospitalized about 10 days earlier because of pulmonary complications, the family said in a statement.

The Milan-born Ponti had studied law and worked as a lawyer in his hometown before moving into film production. In 1956, the film "La Strada," which he co-produced, won the Academy Award for Best Foreign Film. 1965, he was nominated as producer for the Best Picture Oscar for "Doctor Zhivago."

Other well-known movies produced by Ponti include "Blow-Up," "The Cassandra Crossing," "The Verdict" and "The Squeeze." Among the directors he worked with were Federico Fellini, Jean-Luc Godard and David Lean.

But it was his affair with the young ingenue Loren that captivated the public rather than his behind-the-scenes work with the world's top filmmakers.

Ponti was married to his first wife, Giuliana, when he met Loren, who was nearly 25 years younger than him, in about 1950.

They tried to keep their relationship a secret in spite of the huge media interest, while Ponti's lawyers went to Mexico to obtain a divorce.

Catholic wrath
Ponti and Loren were married by proxy in Mexico in 1957 -- two male attorneys took their place and the happy couple only found out when the news was broken by society columnist Louella Parsons.

But they were unable to beat stringent Italian divorce laws and the wrath of the Roman Catholic Church. Ponti was charged with bigamy and Loren with being a concubine.

"I was being threatened with excommunication, with the everlasting fire, and for what reason? I had fallen in love with a man whose own marriage had ended long before," Loren has said.

"I wanted to be his wife and have his children. We had done the best the law would allow to make it official, but they were calling us public sinners," she said. "We should have been taking a honeymoon, but all I remember is weeping for hours."

The couple first lived in exile and then, after the annulment of their Mexican marriage, in secret in Italy.

They finally beat Italian law by becoming French citizens -- the approval was signed personally by French President Georges Pompidou -- and they married for a second time in Paris in 1966.

Despite many predictions that the marriage would founder over Ponti's affairs and the many dashing leading men who reportedly fell in love with Loren, the couple stayed together.

Ponti had several other brushes with the law.

He was briefly imprisoned during World War II for a film considered anti-German. An Italian court later gave Ponti a six-month suspended sentence for his 1973 film "Massacre in Rome," which claimed Pope Pius XII did nothing about the execution of Italian hostages by the Germans. The charges eventually were dropped on appeal.

Kidnap attempts
Though Loren was better known, Ponti amassed a fortune considerably greater than that of his wife -- and again fell foul of the Italian authorities.

In 1979, a court in Rome convicted him in absentia of the illegal transfer of capital abroad and sentenced him to four years in prison and a $24 million fine.

Loren, along with film stars Ava Gardner and Richard Harris, were acquitted of conspiracy.

It took Ponti until the late 1980s to settle his legal problems and finally obtain the return of his art collection, which had been seized by authorities and given to Italian museums.

He also survived two kidnapping attempts in 1975.

Ponti discovered many of the great Italian leading ladies, including Gina Lollobrigida, and had affairs with several of them. "I don't like actors. I prefer women," he said at the time.

In recent years, the couple lived mostly in Switzerland, where they had several homes. Despite reports that he was seriously ill, Ponti attended the 1998 Venice Film Festival to accept a lifetime achievement award for his wife, who was kept away by illness.

Ponti and Loren had two sons -- Carlo Jr., a celebrated conductor, and Edoardo, a film producer. He also had two children from his first marriage, Guendolina and Alexander.

No date was given for funeral arrangements but a statement from the family said it would be a "strictly private" event.

GoOd MoRnIng ...

It's Friday - 3 day weekend for many! Wanted to add this link before I lost it: (have fun)

Ciro ... the genius responsible for the U.S. Navy's official website for Commander Navy Region Europe went to Vienna last Christmas and put some of his photos online (with some shnazzy music!)

CLiCk HeRe 4 CiRo'S sHoW

Sacrifice comes home

[Phillip Carter, Thursday January 18, 2007 at 3:09pm EST]

The Orange County Register reports that Army 2LT Mark Daily was killed in action in Iraq this week. An IED killed him and three of his soldiers in Mosul while they were serving with the 4th Brigade Combat Team, 1st Cavalry Division. 2LT Daily joined the Army through UCLA's Army ROTC program, graduating in 2005 as that program's Distinguished Military Graduate. He went to Iraq out of a sense of personal duty, writing on his personal website:

"If you think the only way a person could bring themselves to volunteer for this war is through sheer desperation or blind obedience, then consider me the exception," he wrote.
Update: The full note, written on Oct. 29, 2006, is posted online.



Michelle Malkin: The immortal words of 2LT Mark Daily

Blue Monday ... Today is the most depressing day of the year. If you woke up today feeling suicidal, don't worry! It's totally normal and should pass within 24 hours. Unless you're a Saints fan. Then you should probably go ahead and kill yourself now ...

Blue Monday - BuzzFeed

Commander, Navy Region Europe<===<<< CLICK FOR PHOTO CUTLINE & HIGH REZ

Navy's oldest Sailor,
musician Forziati retires from NSA Naples

Until Jan. 25, Master Chief Musician Douglas D. Forziati was the oldest Sailor in the Navy. Admiral Henry Ulrich, Commander, Allied Joint Force Command Naples, and long time friend of Forziati, spoke at the retirement ceremony held at Joint Force Command in Naples, Italy.

As a career Navy musician Forziati has been around the world and back again, representing the U.S. Navy for 30 years. That all changed when the master chief traded in his uniform for civilian attire, retiring from the Navy and reminiscing about a career he describes as some of the best years of his life.

“Camaraderie is something I’m going to miss,” admits Forziati. “We all get along wonderfully.”

So how does one become not only the oldest enlisted Sailor but the oldest active duty enlisted member of the United States Navy? At 64 years of age, Forziati is not bashful about telling his Navy story.

Forziati began playing the trumpet at age nine in Springfield, Mass. When he entered junior high school, the aspiring musician practiced with his mentor, Jack Kowal. After graduating from high school, Forziati was turned on to the Navy music program by Kowal. That was the first Forziati had heard of the opportunity that Kowal described as “the best thing going for musicians.”

In December of 1960, Forziati enlisted in the Navy as a trumpet player and toured with bands in Japan and San Diego, California before he was honorably discharged in 1964.

Forziati took a 17-year hiatus from the Navy. While playing the civilian gig, Forziati earned a bachelor of arts degree in psychology from Westfield State College, in Westfield, Mass., and continued to peruse a music career.

In 1981, Forziati was playing trumpet in a road band in Cape Cod, Mass., when he was approached by Chief Musician Mike Mitchell, one of the band’s admirers. Coincidentally, Mitchell was the current chief detailer for Navy musicians. At the time, Forziati was 38. Age 35 is the cutoff date for active duty enlistment, however, if you add the four years of previously served time, that gave Forziati the “loophole” he needed to join the Navy band once again. In 1981, the seasoned musician reported to the Atlantic Fleet Band in Norfolk, Va.

After completing advanced training at the Armed Forces School of Music in Norfolk in 1985, Forziati was stationed in Naples, Italy for the first time, when he was assigned to the CINCSOUTH Band (now the Allied Forces Band).

Forziati became a Navy Chief Musician when he returned to the Armed Forces School of Music as an instructor.

“I love teaching and mentoring,” said Forziati. “I’m a good cop, when possible. Warm fuzzies are always better than disciplinary counseling.”

Returning to Naples, Italy in 1998 for a second stint, Forziati served as Command Master Chief and Assistant Director for the Sixth Fleet Band. Taking advantage of the Navy education benefits, he said, Forziati earned a masters degree in counseling from Norfolk State University before assuming his current position as the Command Master Chief and Assistant Director for the Allied Forces Band.

As a mentor and Command Master Chief, Forziati believes in assisting junior personal with all matters concerning career and family goals, he said, adopting the motto, “Happy at home, happy at work.” As an example of his motto in action, those around Forziati need only look to his successful career and 21-year-marriage to Sally, with whom he has seven children, 18 grandchildren and one great-grandchild.

Forziati’s retirement ceremony was held yesterday at JFC. Although the Navy had to say goodbye to a 30-year, positive leader and mentor, it’s safe to say that Forziati left a lasting impression on the Sailors who served alongside him.

“My love for the Navy comes from my love of people,” said Forziati. “During my career I was mindful of leading by example and being approachable. My office was always open to anyone for advice.”

NaplesTalk Association - Welcome

Freaky Feline Washing Machine

Cartoon by Tom Briscoe
Phone in her throat, boyfriend faces likely "cell" time (from CNN.com)

'Mod Squad' actor Tige Andrews dies at 86 - CNN.com

Frankie Laine, the Hit-Making Crooner, Dies at 93 - New York Times

Disney.com - Disney's Official Home Page For All Things Disney

Click here for a web-saavy blogger's review of the new site ...

Scoop: Illegal Fishing Threatens World's Last Cod Stocks

Anna Nicole Smith
dead after collapse in hotel

Cash for cadavers, a dead celebrity lottery - 'Raincoaster'

Today's Celeb Birthdays (In case you're interested):

"Crazy Coffins" ...
... pretty cool, actually!

Celebrity Terrorist.: DID WE MISS
THE WEDDING OF THE CENTURY?

... so how come this hasn't drowned out the drone of all the Anna Nicole Smitherage?

It's cold outside ... whaddya want?! Provide clearer directions if you want something else!!

Celebrity Haiku Competition: Bald Britney Spears

The answer to your question is HERE!

By Fred H. Arm



My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed until today I read his obituary.

The Obituary read like this:

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

- Author unknown

Can you cry under water?

-- Yes.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

-- Not long at all; the words are synonomous.

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

-- The extra 'penny' is going to the listener. The thinker has been tricked.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

-- If you're cremated, do you remain in ash form for the rest of eternity? Heaven is supposed to be a place of eternal happiness, and happiness is relative. So, if you like the outfit you were buried in (or if you like being ashes) then yes. Otherwise, no. One more unnecessary complication removed by atheism, though.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

-- Because a circular box would be impractical. Do you think boxes arrive at the pizza places already folded up and ready to be used? Employees fold boxes in their spare time. You try folding a box with a circular edge. Then try doing 20 in less than 10 minutes.

What disease did cured ham actually have?

-- Meats, ham included, were cured out of necessity when refrigeration was not an option. It prevents aging, rotting, and the reproduction of many harmful bacteria.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

-- When has America ever been known to do the right thing at the right time? At that time, it was just more important that we not get shown up by Russia. Anyway, there are some people out there that believe the moon landing didn't happen at all...

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

-- Newborns wake up every couple of hours but after a few months most babies sleep very soundly for most of the time. In addition, babies sleep for a total of 17-20 hours a day (basically any time they are not eating or crapping) so the saying implies that they slept without any worries for quite a long time. Maybe secretly they are saying they woke up every couple of hours and cried their eyes out for no reason. Maybe anyone who claims to have slept like a baby should be institutionalized.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

-- Yes. Signings are a different thing entirely and it would cause a lot of confusion.

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

-- A movie is a program that contains a story, actors, dialogue, music, etc... all sorts of things IN the movie. The television is an electronic device that projects images onto a screen. Therefore all the images you see while watching TV are ON the TV, or IN a TV show. They are IN the program, and the program is projected ONTO the screen of the TV. Not to mention, saying you saw things in the TV is a little weird.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

-- "People" is a pretty general word. If you asked the question a litte more specifically, say, starting a little like... "Why do rich, bored people with nothing to do with their money but throw it away pay to go..." you will realize the answer to the question before you finish it.

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

-- To begin with, my doctor is not the one who leads me to an examination room; it's a nurse who takes me there. She has other things to do than to stand there and watch me change, plus I don't want all the employees seeing me naked. Secondly, my doctor doesn't see me naked. The paper gown has a purpose-- physical examinations do not necessitate complete nudity, and some people feel more comfortable with privacy and a thin paper gown. However, feel free to invite your doctor to stay and watch you strip down.

Why is "bra" singular and "Panties" plural?

-- "Bra" is short for brassiere, a word that, through the natural evolution of language, has come to mean an undergarment support for lovely lady lumps. "Panties" is a slang word for "Underpants" which is a modification of "Pants" which is a shortened form of "Pantalones" or "Pantaloons". ONE pantaloon or one pantalone is actually just one leg-sleeve, as it were. Two makes a full set of what we call "pants" even though the modern garment is completely attached and singular. Therefore you say panties. However, in some lingerie shops/departments they say "Womens panty." I, personally, think that looks and sounds weird.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

-- Because some people buy lots of bread at once and freeze it to preserve it. If you don't want to take the bread out and wait for it to thaw, you can stick it in on the highest setting, and the toaster will thaw the bread and then toast it.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

-- The carpool lane is limited to private vehicles driven by ordinary citizens commuting. Driving laws are state-by-state, but all carpool lanes have exceptions (Like ambulances and police cars and stuff) and as far as I know, hearses are another exception. It could vary from state to state. If hearses are not an exception, than probably they have to use the regular lanes like everyone else and just plan for lots of traffic.

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

-- Because he's a TV show character and if he did things logically there would be no show.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! -- They're also both cartoon characters designed to entertain small children. Not only can the cartoonists do whatever they like, but children will accept just about anything that is fed to their imaginations. Something else you should be worried about is why Goofy and an endless number of other TV show animals can speak english like humans (or like dogs making a good effort, in the case of Scooby Doo).

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

-- Maybe he is against buying food that is packed with preservatives and potentially harmful chemicals. Maybe he is just trying to satisfy an instinctive animal need to hunt.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

-- Babies, obviously.

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

-- Yes.

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

-- I didn't. I got over this fact before I turned 10 ago when I had nothing REAL to worry about.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

-- The words are not based on the more crude areas of the english language, and asteroid are so far away that hemispheres need not even be considered. The -oid suffix generally means, "Appears to be". "Aster" means "Star." So "asteroid" means, literally, "Starlike" or "Appears to be a star." The "Hemo" in "Hemorrhoid" means "blood," as is exemplified by the word "Hemorrhage" which means "to bleed profusely." Therefore a "hemorrhoid" is something that "appears to be blood" or is "bloodlike." An a hemorrhoid is actually a swollen vein or what appears to be a blood-filled pustule, so the definition is appropriate.

Any more mysteries I can help you with?

... better book.

Watched "The Outsiders" tonight. Wow. (Duh.)

"Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay."

-- Robert Frost

If anyone or anyTHING really strange happens on the 4th of July ... just remember that. :o)

How I spent my Summer vacation ...

So you don't feel bad when those "absent-minded-moments" strike, compare your worst with my morning this morning:

It's the first morning of the first day of my two weeks off. A wonderful morning! Right?

Wrong.

It's very very hot and I'm an overheated, sweaty guy with wet stringy hair wearing the bedraggled slouchy shirt and cut-off sweats that I slept in last night. I am in no way presentable to anyone. My 'farmer's tan' makes me look even worse and I painfully notice this as I pass a store window; my milk-white legs reflect back at me from the otherwise dim and difficult-to-discern reflection which screams out:

"HEY! DUDE! EITHER GET A TAN OR WEAR LONG PANTS!!!"

I'm taking back a rent-a-car to the lot where I picked it up last Friday night.

I had left my personal car there in the lot, trading it for the rental. I thought I'd be driving around too much over the weekend for the ol' girl and knew it was going to be hot. So since I had planned to do some significant driving over the weekend, I didn't want to risk blowing the old car up in the middle of nowhere during my kid's visit. My daughter is visiting for the first time in years and I wanted to put some checks in the "cool places where I went with Dad" boxes. We drove to Naples - once - last night.

I could have used the old car for that.

So, even though I feel like a warm, wet mop that's been used to clean a rather cruddy public restroom, I'm thinking "What the heck. I'm only going to drop off a key in a drop box and turn around and go home ... Nobody'll see me," right?

Wrong.

I get to the rent-a-car place and pull up next to my car in the parking lot, right where I'd left it on Friday. Of course, it's sitting there baking as it rests on a blacker-than-pitch parking lot and I'm looking at it from within a nice air-conditioned rental. "Oh well," I think, "it was nice while it lasted."

I park the car, remove my "stuff" and trudge across the blacker-than-pitch parking lot to put the keys into the "drop box" which is pretty much a big square silver mailbox that says "DROP KEYS HERE" which is currently the temperature of a pizza oven. It probably takes the keys you put into it, melts them and forges new keys, I'm guessing. So I'll just try to figure out how to get my keys INTO it without suffering 5th degree burns and then suffer back home in the old car w/no air-conditioning, right?

Wrong.

I've left the key to the old car AT HOME.

"Not a problem," I think to myself. They'll let me drive home and get it and not charge me for the extra day, right?

Wrong.

It's five minutes before I'm supposed to have the car back, so I trudge across the blacker-than-pitch road next to the blacker-than-pitch and hotter-than-the-sun parking lot where I had intended to put the keys to the rental into the big metal pizza oven. I arrive at the not-air-conditioned RentaCar place and am greeted by a non-pleasant, non-smiling, moist and overheated-but-not-as-bad-as-I-am girl who works at the front desk. She'd rather be somewhere else.

"No, if it's returned after that time, you will be charged the extra day, sir."

Fine. (Not really, I meant that like when you are having a micro-tantrum: "Fine. BE that way.")

So I give (read: toss) the keys back to her and sign some form that could have, for all I know, been giving someone permission to remove my kidneys as I sleep tonight. I won't care, it'll be cooler, at least.

It's noon, and maybe I'll have to sit around somewhere for an hour or so until I can catch a ride with someone back home ... but then how am I going to reconnect the key to the old car which will then STILL be sitting in the blacker-than-pitch parking lot? I hadn't really thought that out properly when I remembered that there might be someone working in the store nearby where my fiancée works who may be going home at 2 or so, they would be able to give me a ride ... or something.

It turns out that there's a kid coming IN to work in an hour who would be able to stop near my house and PICK UP the key to the old car and bring it in. She's called, she says okay, she's leaving in about 45 minutes, and I am to contact someone at my house to meet this girl ON THE STREET and give her the key.

This means I now have to call 1 of the three girls at home, all of whom are currently sleeping. They are in the "Summer vacation sleep mode" of staying up late and enjoying more human and tolerable temperatures (anything cooler than the surface of the sun) and sleeping until the sun gets to a more comfortable postion ... like 3 or 4 in the afternoon.

So I call my daughter, 1 of the three girls at home, and wake her up ... she spends 7 minutes or so on the phone with me, looking for the key as I try to describe to her where it might be.

While I'm talking to my daughter, I'm also trying to multi-task and get a $20 out of the ATM where I've made the hook-up to get the key to the old car so I can go home.

My daughter, half-asleep, is doing her best to look where I think the car key is, but she can't find it. As I'm trying to slowly walk her thru checking the places where it might be, I ignore the 'beep, beep, beep, beep' of the ATM telling me that my card is sitting there in the slot unprotected.

As I turn to grab the card, the machine eats it.

I go inside the mall-area, intending to retrieve the card from the Bank on the other side of the wall. The mall-area is at least a little more air-conditioned, and I sit down at a table in a food-court area to further describe to my daughter where to look for the key.

I put the satchel I'm carrying down on a table and the key to the old car falls out.

"Nevermind, I tell my daughter ... I found it."

She hangs up.

I go to the store where my fiancee's manager helped me with the "transport" for the key I now don't need anymore and tell him I've found the key.

He laughs.

Then I head to another store in the mall where I'm going to get some scotch tape for another of the girls who's preparing a package to send to her fiancé in Iraq. I'll be able to return home and have helped SOMEbody out, since I'm not doing so well helping myself out today. And at least my trip won't be TOTALLY a pain, right?

Wrong.

I found the scotch tape, but can't find duct tape, which she also wanted, for some reason.

As I'm hunting for the tape, I'm struggling with the satchel I'm carrying (no shoulder strap) made out of leather and rather slippery for a guy who's as wet as a fresh caught fish and feeling as smelly as that fish would be after a few days on the beach. I'm surprised by a friend of my fiancee's and mine who I can only imagine saw me enter on a security monitor in the store, as I'm trying to fly undetected thru the store, so as not to offend any more people than necessary with my unpresentable state. She must have noticed me skulking by one of the cameras and came out of that secret hole-in-the-wall place where they sit and watch people steal stuff and came out to investigate the weird looking shadowy figure.

She tries to make small talk, telling me about a toothache, and I'm thinking "GO AWAY! DON'T LOOK AT ME OR YOU'LL TURN TO STONE!" but she's either too polite to say anything or her tooth, hard though it might be to imagine, hurts too bad and is more painful and offensive to her than I am. I figure out some way to say "Have a nice day" so I can slide out of sight, finish my mission and get the heck outta there.

So I take the tape that I've found and head to the cash register.

"That'll be five dollars," the cashier says.

I don't have the cash, so I'll use my bank card, right?

Wrong.

You're probably ahead of me, right?

Right.

I don't have my check-card. The machine ate it. YOU might have remembered that, but *I* didn't.

"I'll be right back, I need to get my card; I left it in my car," I tell the lady.

I don't know why I feel the need to make up a story that's more lame and makes me look like a bigger idiot than if I told her what the REAL location of the card was. But I did.

So, like I intended earlier, I go to the bank located on the other side of the wall from where the ATM machine is that ate my card. I enter the bank and hide in a corner, waiting for someone to notice the big overheated, sweaty guy with wet stringy hair wearing the bedraggled slouchy shirt and cut-off sweats that he slept in last night and ask me if I needed any help.

Everyone in the bank turns and looks at me as if I'd just crawled out of a multi-vehicle accident, was missing an eyeball and and a bloody stump where one of my limbs was supposed to be.

Not bad, actually, that's about how I felt.

I ask the customer service girl if she can retrieve my card for me from the card sucker.

"Sure," she says, give me your ID."

Apparently, she felt it necessary to compare my ID with the myriad of cards that must have been eaten that day to make sure she gets the right idiot's card. No problem, I'll have my card back in 2 minutes, right?

Wrong.

I don't have my wallet.

WHERE THE HELL IS MY WALLET? Did it fall out of my stupid little satchel? In the now locked renta-car which is back in the hands of the RentaCar lady? In the store where I was trying to buy tape? Fell out somewhere in between? I don't know why, but I decide to go check in the store where my fiancée works. It's there. I grab it and whistle at the manager as I leave, he looks as if to say "What's up?"

I hold up my wallet, he laughs.

Yeah ... funny.

Back at the bank, in the 2 minutes it takes her to get my card back to me, probably everyone I know has decided to choose that particular timeframe to conduct their business at the bank. If one more person asks "Is it hot out there?" as a means to say "Dude, you look like a big overheated, sweaty guy with wet stringy hair wearing the bedraggled slouchy shirt and cut-off sweats that he slept in last night" without being rude, I'll kill them and (eventually, if I ever get around to buying some) return and wrap them up in Scotch tape.

The girl returns w/my card and that next person is spared a grisly death.

I go back to the store, get the tape ... trudge back to the old car and go home.

So after forgetting car keys, but not REALLY forgetting them, and losing my bank card while I was looking for the non-lost car keys over the phone with the help of a sleepy kid who didn't need to be woken up in the first place and then buying some tape with a card that was eaten by the card sucker because I was distracted looking for a car key that wasn't lost ... I'm now worn out on my first morning of the first day of my two weeks off. I need a vacation from my vacation. A wonderful morning! Right?

Right. If you laughed, giggled or smiled while reading this totally true account of this morning, then it was all worth it.

At least that's what I'll tell myself until I forget about it.

:o)